Many people probably don’t realize that, in marriage, the most important thing is not the number of years together, the amount of money, the beauty or the rising status, but the communication between the two people. However, communicating correctly and effectively is an art. “How can I say what I mean without appearing “patriarchal” or excessive? How can I control my emotions when the other person’s behavior is not as expected?” are the questions that are asked. Why are there so many things to worry about, right?
In the US, I work at a law office. In the process of listening to their stories, there are many people, Gari knows, who have been together for more than ten years, or even more than twenty years, but still take each other to court as usual. Gari asks them: “When was the last time you saw your wife/husband?”. Their answer is: “In court.” When looking into the reasons why they decided not to go together, Gari found that they could never solve the problem through conversations, nor did they ever find out why the other person behaved that way, but only believed that their thoughts were right.
The truth is, after many years of being together or married, we often think that we understand everything about that person, and also assume that the other person has understood. So we don’t bother to explain, nor do we think that both of us should spend time talking like when we first fell in love. So, for example, coming home late without telling them, or not daring to say anything because we’re afraid of being judged by our husband/wife, just like that, the distance between the two of us grows further.
Most of the time, we have difficulty listening. Because listening to someone often feels like “being taught, instructed”. It is the “ego” that creates that feeling. From there, “ego” makes you overdo it, makes you easily look at the other person’s mistakes, constantly criticize and do not appreciate how much effort both of you have made for each other.
What we say is not as important as how we say it. And then, “how we say it” is not as important as “how we listen”. What we give is not as important as how we give it. The more you listen, the more you show respect, trust and affirm the importance of your partner in your eyes. Words make us love someone, but can also make us harbor hatred for a lifetime.
A lasting marriage is not a journey with a destination, but like a stream, the more you love, the more you learn, the more interesting it becomes, that stream just keeps flowing. Gently but persistently never stops
Just love with your heart, speak when you need to speak and be silent when you need to be silent. Because Gari always tells herself and her husband that this heartfelt song is so true: “Just one more day, then you know what love is. Love just needs to be felt, I see, that’s enough…”
In love, the simpler, the happier.
From Gari with love.
9.17.2024
Gari.